Harry Potter in a Theatrical World
by Moose Goddess
Summary: Well to sum it up, Harry is in his final year at Hogwarts however things are not as they seem. Ron has become a pink haired punked up pimp, Hermoine is now a preacher, Draco, Crabbe and Goyle are prancing about in Tutu's and other such random events.
1. Utter randomness in the great hall

Harry Potter in a theatrical world.  
  
Disclaimer, Harry Potter does not belong to me that is why he does not randomly explode, Ron does not have punk styled pink hair and Hermonie doesn't prance about in the rain in preaching clothes saying "Praise the lord!"  
  
I am sorry for the extreme sense of randomness in this story, but this is my first fanfiction ever so don't go all harsh on me. Don't get me wrong but I do enjoy reading and watching Harry Potter books/films, but I thought as I am a very humourous (Sometimes sick) person I should honourably do the best thing and write a parody based story on Harry Potter so please enjoy.  
  
Chapter One  
  
Harry once again stepped into Hogwarts School of witchcraft and wizardry to complete his final year of learning magic and being a general tart. He was walking down towards the school hall with his two best friends Ron Weasley whose hair had turned fluorescent pink and also spiked up because he wanted to act like a genuine "Muggle" punk and attempt to be a bit of a pimp with the girls as he had no such luck with such a complicated gender last year. Additionally his other best friend Hermoine Granger aka the Mud Blood Swot had spent all of her summer holidays in a church as she wanted to "Chastise" herself.but unfortunately for Harry's and Ron's minds to handle she for now does not preach her work.oh no.she preaches from the bible! Walking around in her cassocks (Priest clothes) and a bible close to her heart with her other arm outstretched in the air she repeats the words "PRAISE THE LORD AND YOU SHALL BE SAVED FROM THE FIREY DEPTHS OF HELL!"  
  
Harry found the peculiar behaviour from his friends indeed very random but decided not to question it. Arriving at the school hall, where the sorting ceremony was about to take place, Harry, Ron and Hermoine took their seats. When things couldn't have been any more stranger than they were, the three friends couldn't believe their eyes when they saw Draco, Crabbe and Goyle enter the main hall dressed in little pink tutu's tiptoeing their way towards Harry, Ron and Hermoine  
  
Draco with a smirk on his face "You jealous there Pot Head! I'm going to be the next Billy Eliot." He does a little twirl to show off his fine figure and arse  
  
Hermoine with her hand outstretched towards Draco "You are the spawn of Satan! You shall be condemned to a life of firey hell!!!!! If not.I suggest you repent and praise the lord and then you shall be saved!!!!! *Hermoine places a hand on Draco's forehead, which makes him fall back and have some kind of seizure"  
  
Crabbe and Goyle exchange nervous glances to one another and grab Draco's legs, dragging him across to the Slytherin table.  
  
Ron sits there twirling his wand pretending it's a pimping cane "Wow Hermoine that was like totally cool babe! Say.you look rather dandy in those robes" Gives Hermoine a wink "So how about it sexy mama how about a nice snog on those luscious lips" Ron pucker up his lips towards Hermoine but Hermione reacts with slamming the bible on top of his head.  
  
Ron falls down on the floor mumbling "Oooooooo I think she likes me" Hermoine then randomly kneels on the floor besides Ron and with hand movements of the sign of the cross she says "I bless you in the name of the father, son and holy ghost..AND YOU SHALL BE PUNISHED IN THE DEPTHS OF HELL FOR TRYING TO KISS ME!"  
  
Harry meanwhile wasn't paying any attention to his two friends at the random scenario which took place as he was too preoccupied with Neville Longbottom who also just entered the school hall. Neville was indeed hard to miss as he had turned more obese than ever, no thanks to his grandmother over feeding him with chocolate and other goodies and hence he resembled a sumo wrestler, dressed as one as well.  
  
Neville panting and sweating like a dog "Oh boy..I need to sit down for a while" Neville ultimately heads over to the Slytherine table (As he has forgotten which house he was in) and sumo drops onto Draco and company who try to crawl out from under the mass but have no such luck.  
  
*Neville* Aaahhh much better =D  
  
*Draco* Get off me Longbottom!  
  
*Neville* "Oops" Neville gets up and couldn't help but notice Draco dressed in a tutu "Oh Draco..did I ever tell you pink suited you.especially tight pink lycra styled tutu's! they really turn me on" Neville starts to advance towards Draco and Draco starts to move back for once scared of Neville's attitude  
  
Draco screams like a little school girl and prances about in his tutu to save his life from the enormous mass of bulk running in between the four house tables.  
  
Harry meanwhile shook his head, as he couldn't believe the events that had taken place so far. His thoughts however had been replaced with Professor McGonagall drawing their attention to the sorting ceremony, one of the more exciting events taken place in Hogwarts.  
  
*Professor McGonagall* "Now when I call out your names.I want you to step forth and I shall place the sorting hat on you and you shall be allocated to your houses"  
  
Professor McGonagall opened up the long scroll which had names of the various students on.  
  
*Professor McGonagall* "Annette Curtain" (Read as A net curtain) Do we have Annette Curtain here?  
  
Nobody at this point steps forth and a few sniggers can be heard among the crowd. Professor McGonagall thinks of the act as ruthless and immature and proceeds with the sorting ceremony  
  
*Professor McGonagall* "Amanda Huggankiss" (A man dat hug and kiss)..come on don't be shy I just want Amanda Huggankiss.  
  
More laughter can be heard from the houses and Professor McGonagall's face starts to flush red but still reads on.  
  
*Professor McGonagall* "Seymour Butts?" (See more butts) Oh please children! I want to Seymour Butts!  
  
A roar of laughter had now emerged around the great hall and yet Professor McGonagall insists on reading the list convinced someone will step through.  
  
*Professor McGonagall turning a deep shade of scarlet in the face* "I P Freely?" * (I pee freely)."Hugh Jass?" (Huge Ass), "Homer Sexual?!" (Homo Sexual)  
  
Everybody now was literally on the floor laughing at the names, obviously someone had tampered with the name list, which made McGonagall not too impressed.  
  
*McGonagall* "I would rather be a clown than a teacher and stand here to make a mockery of myself!!!" *She places a hand to her head and looks up to the sky all dramatically and says "Oh.the humanity!!!" At this point she transforms into a pig, snorting her way out of the main hall.  
  
Hermoine, who had watched all this, stood up and saluted McGonagall "GOD BLESS THAT WOMAN!!!"  
  
*Ron who woke up with a pounding headache and a lump oh his forehead perks a brow at Hermoine and says "Will you quit with all the preaching!"  
  
Hermoine was about to retaliate with preaching some more down Ron's ear, but Ron already anticipating this, grabbed Harry's wand and with his own wand made the sign of the cross, keeping it well in front of Hermoine.  
  
*Ron* Stay back you deadly fiend!!!!!  
  
*Harry who now finally speaks in this fanfiction for the first time* "Quiet guys!..I think McGonagall has left for good.so who is going to be the next Transfigurations teacher?" 


	2. The new Transfigurations teacher

Hello again, this is the second chapter to this bizarre story and I hope you are still enjoying the show.  
  
(Previously, as soon as Harry had returned to Hogwarts Witchcraft and Wizardry, very peculiar events had taken place as shown in chapter one. However the fact of the matter is Professor McGonagall has left Hogwarts forever! So who is going to be the next Transfigurations teacher? Read on to find out)  
  
Harry, Ron and Hermione all huddled together in a group and tried to figure out who would be the next transfiguration teachers, however their answers were not very realistic.  
  
*Ron* "Oh boy! Old wrinkly McGonagall has gone.I recon Marilyn Manson will be the next transfigurations teacher.boy would that be the day!"  
  
*Hermione* "Don't be so unrealistic Ron.it's no doubt going to be my saviour.Lord Jesus Christ Superstar.he will show the light..AND SAVE US FROM THE DEPTHS OF HELL! *She slams her hands on the table*  
  
*Harry and Ron* Rrriiigghhhhttttt  
  
*Harry* I have no idea who's going to be the next transfigurations teacher.but maybe Snape will be given the position.speaking of professor Snape.where is he?  
  
Just on cue, Snape jogs into the great hall, however not in his usual attire. Instead of his black robes, he was dressed in some bright blue and pink spandex's he had dumbbells in both his arms and started lifting them up and down over his head  
  
*Snape* "Okay students today we are going to exercise! Up off your lardy arses ladies! come on now! One two three four! Make it sharp soldier!"  
  
All the students are frozen stiff on their seats, the situation was so unexpected the students couldn't believe this was real.  
  
*Snape jogging up and down* "MACHO MACHO MAN! I GONNA BE A MACHO MAN!!!" *Snape starts flexing his muscles* (Wait a minute...what muscle?!?!).  
  
*Harry* Snape in a bright blue and pink spandex..I am going to have nightmares for years! Please somebody make him stop!!!  
  
As if hearing Harry's pleas, no other than Sirius Black comes crashing in on an old combined harvester (Farmer tractor hehehe) and runs Professor Snape over.  
  
*Snape* Oh no.my dumbbells have been crushed.hang about I have also been crushed as well.bugger!  
  
Sirius Black emerges from the combined harvester and lands on Snapes head  
  
*Snape* Ow! Watch it my mind is extremely delicate!  
  
*Sirius Black dressed as if he had come from the matrix (Yes with the black trenchcoat, shades etc) kneels down beside Snape and says "Welcome.to the real world"  
  
Sirius now draws his attention to the main hall who all sit there in shock.  
  
*Sirius* "Well let me introduce myself.my name is Black.Sirius Black your new transfigurations teacher"  
  
Everyone clasps their hands to their mouths except Hermione, who comes dashing forwards towards Sirius Black with her bible and says "I must baptise you my child in the name of the father son and holy ghost!" *Hermione does the sign of the cross with her hands in front of Sirius's face*  
  
*Sirius giving an odd face* Boy.what got into you.  
  
*Hermione* Well excuse me! I just baptised you, you should be grateful to the lord and you shall be saved from the depths of hell! *She raises both her arms in triumph*  
  
*Sirius* "Nice seen missy but one thing.you seriously need to put some deodorant on I mean.your armpits just stink!  
  
*Hermione* THOU SHALT BE PUNISHED!!!!!!!! REPENT NOW SIR! OR YOU SHALL BE.  
  
Hermione didn't get to finish her lines as sumo wrestler Neville Longbottom rammed into her as he still chases Draco around the room.  
  
*Neville* "Oops.my bad"  
  
*Hermione* "Lord.have mercy on his.soul *Faints*  
  
*Ron* "Thank god someone had just shutted her up for a minute"  
  
*Sirius* "Anyways as I was going to say before I got disturbed, you maybe wondering why they had given up on trying to capture me and taking me back to Azkaban.well I told them.I was a vampire and I would suck every drop of blood from their veins if they even dared coming near me!"  
  
All of the hall remains silent and looks at Sirius as if he is talking a load of rubbish.  
  
*Sirius* God.where is your sense of humour people?!?!!?  
  
*All of a sudden a load of dementors come in, coming obviously after Sirius*  
  
*What is Sirius Black going to do.to be continued* 


	3. A crossover between Harry Potter and the...

Harry Potter in a Theatrical World  
  
Hello again, I would like to first of all give out a personal thank you for those who have given me quite a few encouraging reviews, it really has brought my morale up! Anyways this chapter more or less sums up what is going to happen to Hogwarts due to all the crazyness/randomness so please enjoy once again.  
  
In the previous chapter Sirius Black had made his entrance and announced that he would be the next Transfigurations teacher much to everyone's surprise, however a load of dementors gatecrash the happy scene.what is Sirius going to do? Read on to find out.  
  
*Sirius faces the dementors and says in a British posh accent* Well hello ladies! What shall it be...tea and crumpets for you jolly good old chaps?  
  
*Dementors* .......  
  
*Sirius* Okay now I'm in trouble...  
  
If things couldn't have gotten worse, no other than Gilderoy Lockhart comes dashing in with his dashing looks and dashing smile, wearing a bikini, halo and holding a pink wand in his left hand. As he dashed his way towards the dementors he sings in reply "NO NEED TO FEAR FOR GILDEROY LOCKHART IS HERE!!!!" *He however runs past the dementors and crashes head first into a wall, smashing right through it*  
  
*Sirius and everyone except for Ron and the dementors*...Rigghhhhhhttttt.  
  
*Ron* Oohh mama! That was one hot sexy fox! *Does a sexy growl*  
  
*Harry* Uuuhh Ron that was Gilderoy Lockhart.you know our Defence against the arts teacher back in our second year..  
  
*Ron*...And?! come on! That person who just ran just wore a bikini..even better, it suited their perfect figure. *Drools*  
  
*Harry* You're really are taking this pimping style way over the top..  
  
*Ron* Damn straight!  
  
Anyways going back to the scene of Sirius and the Dementors, the dementors now are advancing slowly towards Sirius, and poor Sirius is unsure what to do.  
  
*Sirius* What do to what to do...need something sacra religious *Looks down to Hermione* Oh well seems to be my only option.  
  
So with seeing Hermione still knocked out on the floor, he grabs both of her hands and holds her stretched out in front of the dementors "Behold the almighty messiah of God!!!! And fear her wrath!!!!"  
  
It did seem to work, the dementors seemed to be retreating but it wasn't because of Hermione's holy sacra religious self...it was obviously because of her odour coming out from her armpits...the pungent smell was unbearable even for the almighty grotesque dementors.  
  
*Ron* Now...it's really time to test my pimping skills.  
  
Quickly putting his shades on, he slides over to a dementor with a grin on his face and says in a low sexy voice "Hey there baby! How about you and me go out and get some sugar!!!"  
  
*Harry* ..Uuhh Ron you're going over the top...that's a dementor you are hitting on...  
  
*Ron* Will you just shut up I know your jealous that you can't get all these fine ladies about you but there is no point lashing it out all on me now...jeeze.  
  
The dementor who was hit on my Ron in the meantime made his escape as he was more scared by Ron's fluorescent pink hair than anything else.  
  
*Ron in a sarcastic tone of voice* Well thank you Mr Potter! I've just lost my catch of the day!  
  
With saying those words, Neville and Draco (Yes the chase still goes on between these two) quickly run past Ron with Draco still screaming like a school girl.  
  
*Ron* What luck! A damsel in distress! No need to fear my dear! Pimping Ron is here!!!!! *With that he follows the chase in order to save Draco from Neville's flab.  
  
As soon as the latter three had left the hall, a load of elves, dwarf and human warriors all come marching in as if ready for war.  
  
*Harry* Oh great what now...  
  
Aragorn looks around and then unsheathes his sword, Legolas has his bow and arrow aimed at one of the dementors and Gimli is trying to see what the hell is going on.  
  
*Gimli* That does it I am going to do what no man will ever dare try!  
  
*Gimli with this decided to put on some 24 inch platform boots heels making him as tall or taller than everyone else and with a menacing grin with his axe held in both of his hands he says "Alright who wants soooommmeee?!?!!?"  
  
*Everyone including Sirius and the dementors have very blank expressions on their faces*  
  
*Sirius* Uuuhhhh wrong scene people.the Lord of the Rings fanfiction is taking place in.uuhhh the Atlantic ocean.  
  
*Aragorn* Thank you my friend..then to the Atlantic ocean we shall go!!!...Gimli stop messing around!!!!  
  
Gimli in the meanwhile was having a hard time balancing on his 24 inch platform boot heels, and was walking and squashing all the dementors on the head. "I can't! these Platform boots are hard to keep my balance on! Oops sorry there sir didn't mean to squash you to pulp."  
  
As all this was happening, no other than Hagrid came rushing in dressed in a red and white dress and a white hat and holding a basket in his right arm and seeing the sight of Gimli made water swell up in his eyes  
  
*Hagrid* Gimli! My baby son! I have been looking for you all my life!!!  
  
*Everyone all looks to Hagrid in shocked expression..could this be true? Is Hagrid really the mother or father of Gimli the dwarf warrior? Well you must admit they have a sudden resemblance excluding the height factor*  
  
To be continued.. 


	4. Yet more utter randomness in the great h...

Harry Potter in a theatrical world  
  
Hello again! Once again thanks for the encouraging reviews, I really appreciate it, well this is chapter 4 of this exciting gripping hilarious pointless fanfiction so please enjoy my little minions! Mwahahaha (Joke about the minions).  
  
Chapter 4  
  
*Gimli* It can't be...mama?  
  
*Hagrid snorts* Oh please I am your father......can't you tell by the way I am dressed?!  
  
Gimli looks Hagrid up and down and perks a brow at the red and white dress, the white hat and basket.  
  
*Gimli* Well if you're my papa..who is my mama?  
  
Just on cue (As usual) no other than Lucius Malfoy comes charging in, dressed in a nurses costume which was awfully tight for him. He strides towards Gimli until he stands two inches away from his face..Lucius breathes so hard on Gimli it sounds like darth vaders normal breathing pattern.  
  
*Lucius* Gimli....I AM YOUR MOTHER!!!  
  
*Gimli* ..............MAMA!!!!!!!!! *Tears start to flood the hall*  
  
*Gimli, Hagrid and Lucius all embrace in a happy family reunion*  
  
*Sirius* Oh God...how can this be....LUCIUS IS A MAN HE CANNOT POSSIBLY BE THE MOTHER!  
  
*Lucius* Actually Black I did..I was artificially inseminated by a turkey back in the good old days!  
  
*Sirius* What!?!?!?!?!!  
  
*Lucius* Scared you there didn't I! Hah the jokes on you! Actually I implanted a female reproductive system into my body because I really wanted to get in touch with my feminine side.  
  
*Sirius* My God...That is sick!.......and you should..  
  
*Sirius doesn't get to finish the rest of his lines as Hermione storms down the isle (Yes she has finally regained consciousness) and whacks Sirius on the head with a metal leaded sign of the cross bigger than herself. Sirius however does the matrix dive and everything turns to slow motion while he dodges*  
  
*Hermione* DIE IN THE DEPTHS OF HELL FOR SAYING GOD'S NAME IN VAIN!!!!!!!  
  
*Sirius being The One, didn't feel intimidated or feared the one named Hermione, instead he grabbed a spoon from one of the tables and gently tapped it on her head........once again Hermione renders back to the unconscious state*  
  
*Sirius looks at the spoon in interest and then looks up at the ceiling* There is no spoon....  
  
At that particular moment, Draco, Neville and Ron are still at chase with each other and they head down towards where the commotion is taking place.  
  
*Draco* HAHAHAHAHA You fat slob! You can't even reach 10 meters of me!  
  
*Neville* Oh yeah...well watch this baby!  
  
Once again going in matrix slow motion, Neville dives forward towards Draco where there is a 10 meter gap between the two. His flab rippling in the air and a slow motion yell forming from his mouth........Neville finds himself belly flopping on the floor just less than 1 meter of where he originally stood.  
  
*Draco perks a brow* Yyeeeeessss...  
  
With the Indiana theme tune played in the background, Ron heroically jumped over Neville's carcass, dived on top of Draco and lifts him up in his arms.  
  
*Ron as if he has just seen an angel* Oooohhh mama! I just caught myself the catch of the day..give me some sugar darling after all I did save your fine ass!  
  
Draco tried to scream like a girl in reply but Ron had already placed his lips against his and gave Draco the snog of his life.  
  
*Draco breaks away and looks towards Lucius* DADDY! HELP ME!!!!!  
  
*Lucius snorts* Well quite frankly you are no son of mine! And secondly I am a mother not a father! So you get your facts right mister!  
  
As this was all too much for Draco to bear, he faints in Ron's arms. Ron just stands there grinning at himself.  
  
*Ron* Yes! A damsel in distress who faints in my arms...what more could I possibly ask for *Ron's eyes divert to Lucius dressed in a nurses outfit and gives a low whistle, dropping the fainted Draco on the floor he skids over to Lucius in a jiffy.*  
  
*Ron* Hey there pretty lady..got a nice pair of fine legs to go with that outfit..how about I rub those fine legs some more to make them more finer than ever shall be? *Ron gives a lousy grin*  
  
*Lucius who turns red in the face starts poking Ron with his (Well more like her) nail "Well for your information mister! I am in a very fine relationship with Hagrid thank you very much and *With all the poking Lucius snaps one of his false red nails in half.  
  
*Lucius gives out a feminine scream* OH NO! NOW LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE YOU'VE BROKEN MY NAIL! HOW DARE YOU!!! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU! *Starts hitting Ron with a handbag*  
  
*Ron* Wow....I really thinks she likes me =D  
  
*Aragorn* Now I've seen everything...  
  
*Legolas* You can say that again...  
  
*Aragorn* Now I've seen everything....  
  
*Legolas* You can say that again....  
  
*Aragorn* Now I've seen everything....  
  
*Legolas* You can say that again...  
  
*Aragorn* Now I've seen everything...  
  
*Legolas* You can say that again....  
  
*Aragorn* Now I've seen everything...  
  
*Legolas aims bow and arrow at head point in Aragorn's direction* You better shut up now....you're seriously getting on my nerves.  
  
*Aragorn* Okely Dokely Doo!....my bad.  
  
*Harry*..................................................................... .......................................................................THAT DOES IT I AM BECOMING A PROSTITUTE!  
  
*Everyone looks in Harry's direction, clasping their hands to their mouths, some students even fainting and others pretending to faint for dramatic effect....is Harry really going to be a prostitute.. Find out in the next exciting episode of Dragon Ball Z..Sorry got carried away there..I meant Harry Potter in a theatrical world =D* 


	5. Lord Voldermort Rises again but in whom?

Harry Potter in a theatrical world  
  
Hello again, sorry for the wait but it's been a hectic week for me with upcoming exams and so forth. Well this is the 5th chapter to this enchanted tale so read on peeps.  
  
Chapter 5  
  
*Sirius* Kid you can't be a prostitute somebody has already taken that position in the wizarding world...  
  
*Harry* Yeah..Like who?  
  
Once again, timing is indeed an essence. Like the punctual twins they are, no other than Fred and George dressed in mini skirts, red high heels, a bra, an overload of make - up on their faces and handbags in either one of their hands came strutting in listening and singing to the spice girls.  
  
*Fred and George at the same time* Hiya Harry! Didn't you know that we were prostitutes?  
  
*Harry*................... I......  
  
*Ron looks over to his two brothers* OOOHH MAMA! THIS IS MY LUCKY DAY!!  
  
*Ron pimp walks over to Fred and George overlooking the fact that they are both his brothers* Hi there...shall we get started then? *Winks at both his brothers all sexily like*  
  
Hermione who has woken up from the spoon (But there is no spoon!) rushes over to where the commotion is taking place, with her sign of the cross held in one hand and the bible in the other she preaches out "THIS IS WRONG IN THE NAME OF GOD! INCEST...INCEST!!!!! YOU SHALL ALL BE PUNISHED SHOWING OFF YOUR BODIES IN SUCH A DISGUSTING MANNER! YOU SHALL ANSWER TO SATAN!"  
  
Fred and George whilst looking at each other and reading each others minds, nodded their head simultaneously at one another and then turned back to the approaching Hermione with a grin.  
  
*Fred and George* What? This disgusting manner *They both undo their bra's flashing what's exposed of their bodies. (Notes they have had a sex change)  
  
*Hermione stops dead in her tracks and covers her eyes* OH GOD HOW THEY BURN! MY EYES THEY BUURRRRNNN!  
  
Meanwhile on the other side of the hall, Snape who has managed to squeeze out from beneath the combined harvester, charmed a few first years and second years students from all four houses to dance and do Aerobics to the theme tune of YMCA.  
  
*Snape* COME ON LADIES, LIFT THEM LEGS UP, STRETCH... STRETCH...STRETCH TO THE RIGHT, JOG JOG JOG JOG! SPILTS!!!!  
  
All the students who were also dressed in spandex's like Snape started imitating him whilst singing "IT'S FUN TO STAY AT THE YMCA!"  
  
Additionally, Aragorn and Legolas were laughing at the fact that Lucius had dressed Gimli up in some baby clothes, wrapped him up in a blanket, fed him milk via a bottle and cradles him close to his side.  
  
*Lucius getting all emotional after finding his (Or maybe her) Lost found son* Don't worry (*He wipes a tear) Mama's here for you!  
  
*Gimli with a baby's voice* Mommy!!!!  
  
*Hagrid who punches a fist in the air in triumph* Well done son...YOU DRANK ALL YOUR MILK! You've made your Papa a proud man *He swells his chest out as far as he can*  
  
Sirius in the meanwhile who had a bunch of students crowd around him because of his amazing stunts and coolness was explaining to the kids that there is no spoon or cutlery.  
  
*Sirius with a knife in his hand* Now listen closely...where we live...is called the material world...everything around you is materialised and not real..observe this knife I am holding....I can see it....I can feel it....but there is no knife..observe.  
  
With saying those words he quickly flings the knife in Draco's direction where it wedges between the crack of his ass*  
  
*Draco*..............YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS!!!!! *Draco starts prancing about doing advanced ballet moves he couldn't do before all because of this knife shoved up his pink tutu dressed ass*  
  
*Sirius with a blank expression on his face* I have been thoroughly corrected...  
  
*Ron points in Draco's direction* That be our first victim ladies...let's get him!  
  
*Ron, Fred and George whilst doing the Dr Evil laugh and the finger movement to the mouth all strut their way towards Draco, in attempt to grab him and do various stuff on him*  
  
*Harry in the meantime, whilst holding his head on either side of his head whilst the room is swirling all around him shouted out* WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!?!?!?! AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! MY HEAD! HOW MUCH WORSE CAN THIS GET?!  
  
All of a sudden Dudley Dursely comes prancing into the main hall wearing a superman costume (Yes with the cape) looks towards Harry and points at him.  
  
*Dudley* Harry today is the day you die...FOR I AM LORD VOLDERMORT!!!! *Dudley looks up to the ceiling and laughs all maliciously like*  
  
MWAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But first does this place have any food? I'm starving *Dudley holds his stomach as it rumbles in fury of hunger until he sees the masses of food on one of the tables!* FOOD!!!!! * He belly flops onto the table, his flab rippling in the air and upon impact and starts devouring himself with food*  
  
*Harry and everybody* GASP! LORD VOLDERMORT!  
  
*Is Dudley really the feared Lord Voldermort? And if not then how could a thick headed muggle such as himself have entered the wizarding world? To be continued*  
  
Sorry for the short chapter but I have a lot of revision to do and this is the only time I can spare so now. 


	6. Harry Potter running half nakes away fro...

Harry Potter in a theatrical world  
  
Chapter 6  
  
In the last chapter, Harry found out that Lord Voldermort was actually his cousin Dudley Dursely! Dun dun duuuuuuuun! So how is Harry going to defeat him this time...read on to find out.  
  
*Sirius* ...That's your cousin? Boy now I feel sorry with what you have to put up with over the summer..tell me Harry do you actually have enough room to fit into their house with that abominable lump of lards arse sticking out?  
  
*Harry* You have no idea....Oh the emotion *Places his hand to his head* this is bringing back terrible memories of Dudley running butt naked through the hallways showing off his flab in glee..NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO THE HUMANITY OF IT ALL!  
  
*Harry starts to cry like a little four year old girl, wiping the snot and tears upon his robes whilst saying in little gasps of air*..he...he...hhhee..wwoouulllddd...just.sss.ssstand there...and.and and and....*Points his finger accusingly at Dudley* MOON ME!! *Harry once again bursts into another set of tears*  
  
*Dudley with his mouth stuffed with a pork pie* I CAN DO IT AGAIN Y'KNOW YOU LITTLE PANSY!  
  
*Harry yelps much like a woman who sees a spider and has also got a case of arachnophobia he runs down the hallway with his hands waving up and down frantically as if he were trying to fly and just randomly starts ripping off his robes until he was only left in his pants, socks and shoes. With this he leaves the hall his yell becoming less and less audible*  
  
*Sirius* That boys has issues....  
  
*Dudley* NOW THAT I HAVE SCARED OFF THAT LITTLE WHELP I SHALL DESTROY YOU ALL FOR I A LORD VOLDERMORT!  
  
*Sirius* GASP! *Hermione* GASP! PRAISE THE LORD! *Aragorn* GASP! *Legolas* GASP! *The whole school besides Ron* GASP!  
  
*Ron* Oooooo now I can show everybody especially the seexxxyyy ladddiiieessss! (Insert sexy growl here) that I am the highlight of the show and not that damn crack head....no I mean pot head.  
  
*Ron quickly dashes down in between the tables, approaching Dudley at a steady speed. He quickly draws out the smallest pin ever and throws it in Dudley's direction which in Matrix speed aims towards his head* DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!  
  
*The pin pricks Dudley's head which deflates the air escaping making a funny squeal*  
  
*Dudley* NOOOOOOO I'M DEFFLLAAATTTIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!  
  
*The whole room all start cheering and chanting Ron's name* Ron! Ron! Ron! We thought he was a Con! But he killed Lord Voldermort! So we all thought wrong!  
  
*Sirius* You morons that last bit didn't even rhyme!!!!  
  
*Dudley's figure starting getting smaller and smaller until there was nothing left but some skin and some crumbs of porkpies*  
  
*The students in the school started to make noises of celebrations and practically all the girls dog piled upon Ron trying to kiss him, even Hermione!  
  
*Hermione* OH RON YOU SAVED GOD'S GRACIOUS WORLD! YOU ARE INDEED A WORTHY MESSIAH!!!!!!!  
  
*Ron under the mass of girls* OH MAMA! THIS IS MY LUCKY DAY!  
  
*Upon this happy joyous occasion a dark figure moves within the shadows, taking note of all the events that have taken place so far and little noises of "Hem hem" could be heard upon occasion...she decided to show herself in her true colours*  
  
*Professor Umbridge emerges from the shadows, she was dressed like Darth Vader but without the headgear (INSERT DARTH VADER MUSIC!) and quickly stood up on a table but it soon collapsed due to her weight. This caught the whole schools attention, particularly Professor Snape the health fanatic who came jogging towards Professor Umbridge*  
  
*Snape* UP OFF YOUR LARDY ARSE NOW YOU CHRISTMAS HAM! LET'S CUT THAT TYRE AROUND YOUR WASTE DOWN!!! NOW WORK WITH ME! *He quickly gives a swish of his wand and the song for the river dance comes on*  
  
*Snape can be seen doing some weird Irish tap dance which Professor Umbridge was "Hem hemming to" but clearly this did not distract him, so grabbing a Speaker Phone she says in her loudest voice possible "HEM HEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The vibrations from the sound of her voice casted towards Snape which made him fall backwards into a nearby wall*  
  
*Professor Umbridge* HEM HEM, I hope everybody can hear me...so will the please real criminal behind all these crimes please stand up! I repeat will the real criminal behind these crimes please stand up hem hem!  
  
*Before she could say anymore, a regurgitating toilet comes flying in towards Professor Umbridge, gobbling her up and then regurgitating her clothes back up and that remained the last of that fowl ministry of crap*  
  
*Everybody would have cheered in glee..but they were wondering who was behind that attack. For sitting on top of a chandelier was Percy Weasley with a wry smile on his face as he says "I AM THE NEXT HEADMASTER AT HOGWARTS...FOR I HAD SUCESSFULLY KILLED DUMBLEDORE! MWAAHAHAHAHA*  
  
*Is this true? Has Percy killed Dumbledore and has gained status to become the next head master at hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry? And what of Harry? Is he still going to run about half naked scared out of his mind? Find out soon..*  
  
*To be continued* 


End file.
